When I was young and started to grow up I immediately was afraid of the possibility to become .. well, the usual type of person I shared my daily routine or personal life with. Like, say .. I started studying computer science when I finished high school just to quit after a year since I became more and more afraid of being a dull, self-centered, moronic prick .. which most of my fellow students were, actually (and no, I'm not exaggerating). If you were to describe what I thought my future would look like back in those days .. '40 year old virgin' comes to mind ^_~
Anyway, a couple of you reading my blog (or shall I say the few of the few) know: I've been working in Spain the past couple of years. Throughout the summer. Its been fun. And its also given me the opportunity to explore the means I can work in and work with. Essentially its been an experiment to find myself. Which, in the end and for most parts, didn't go very well. But thats another story. What I gathered though was a quite good understanding about who I am .. and what I wanted in life. Sounds rather philosophical, right? I guess its the typical 20'ish to 23'ish experience every grown up has to go through.
However, with the experience I gathered from my work in Spain, put together with the experience coming from acting studies (which I kind of quit .. I didn't put enough effort into it in the end .. thats something I really need to work on) I realized lately: Its not your environment that shapes you. Its not your friends. Its not the clothes you wear, the car you drive, the school you go to. Its not your parents either, or your girlfriend. Or your job.
It is you. And what you make of it.
And while that sounds awfully simple (and pathetic of sorts) .. believe me, its not. Even if I hadn't quit studying computer science .. I sure as hell would not have become the same prick I had to sit with in computer-math. Or any other class. I might have been influenced .. but only in a positive way, believe me (meaning: away from being a prick since I had so many of them around me). All my life I've been worrying about how to adapt to certain situations, friends, other random people .. company policies .. so much that I largely forgot about who I actually am and how I define myself. Luckily, I caught the right train and ended up knowing what I know now: I know who I am. Yet, it took a painful 24 years to finally catch that. But I guess thats what people mean when they're talking about growing up. However, now I can finally focus on living the life I want to live instead of trying to fit in. And thats about the most refreshing and meaningful experience I've had since .. well, 24 years.
Cheers, Moritz
PS: No, I'm not Auke Kok .. but Auke Kok is on vacation and http://bar.foo-projects.org doesn't know about me unless he tells it to.